Erotica

I have a really bad feeling something’s wrong with me, I have a constant heartburn and it’s making me feel like my chests gonna explode and NOTHING has helped relieve it. Bah. Whatever.

Have a nice rest of the day, cause I sure as hell ain’t gonna be around to ask people to do stuff anymore. Goodbye.

Well. I’m out. I’m done caring.

Have a nice day. (:

Holy. Shit. I. Can’t. Breathe.

It. Hurts. To. Breathe. And. I. Wish. I. Had. Tums. Or. Something. To. Cure. This. Heartburn. That. Is. Making. My. Insides. Cry.

Help. Me.

Hmm, among other news. I’ve been busy lately and I just got back from seeing Iron Man 2 again with Lea and Katie. I wanted to buy another fancy shirt but I didn’t because I…

a- was like 3 dollars short

b- needed to buy a ticket for the movies

Anyways, we watched this movie months ago in English class about genocide called Hotel Rwanda, and the man who plays Paul Rusesabagina, the hotel manager who basically saves everyone’s life, plays Colonel Rhodes in Iron Man 2! :o I noticed this when I first watched the movie but I needed to point it out now. The actors name is Don Cheadle by the way….

So on and so forth, I hate heartburn, and I’m probably heading back out for the night. I love nights where I’m never home. :D Au revior peasants!

Not that I really care right now, but I do at the same time. I realized I could do this.

Cause you wont have any idea I’m talking to you. I could be talking about anyone. When in reality, I’m talking directly at you. This post is for you and you alone. But you’ll never know. So go ahead, think whatever. You cant be positive about who I’m talking to, now can you?

…… …… …… ……

I just wish you knew. Each time this happens I get closer and closer to speaking and I’m not sure that’ll be good if I reached that point. Just smile, be happy. I’m fine at the moment, but that mood is fragile, it will break even if you dont mean to. Remember, be happy, smile, don’t do stupid stuff, and stick around. Stick around a lot. And don’t leave. Hell, maybe ask whats up. Is that asking too much?

A lot of people have told me this year and last year that I’m sometimes concerned with others well being more than my own. And I guess I can’t blame them. They’re kinda right. I’d rather my friends be happy than myself a lot of the time. If I’m feeling happy, I eventually feel guilty for feeling happy. They come to me to talk about life’s fucked up moments and I help them out the best I can. If I want to talk to them about whats on my mind, however, I feel selfish and greedy and immature. Even if they ask me whats wrong. Its sickening the way I feel sometimes. It’s kinda like feeling good about myself and feeling good in general is really bad to feel. For me. There’s something wrong with feeling like that.

But I care. I care a lot. I might not show it all the time, but I really do. And it’s time I actually go out and make a request. A simple and small one. Is it selfish to want to feel something other than being upset? No. Its human, and I’m human. I don’t want to be in this rut anymore, and I don’t want others who are really close to me to be in it anymore. Just see what happens if you do what I asked above. Please?

And before you call me self centered, narcissistic, whatever. I’m an asshole, I know I am, I know I can be a huge douche. But right now, I don’t need to hear it.

And again, whoever reads this, you don’t know who its about, so don’t think you do. Thanks.

When nobody else seems to care or bother, I go to tumblr.

I feel like I’m back in my rut. Wonderful. Wonderful.

Music isn’t helping, it usually doesn’t take me away from the issue and when it does, I don’t want to get away from it. I want to face it head on and get this shit over with cause I’m about to explode.  I want to turn it off and go smash my head against something.

Sleeping wont help because I will just sit in silence THINKING. And I don’t want to think.

Eating wont help.

Talking wont help because I get even more upset at myself and over it.

Only time helps and this can last from a few hours to days and I don’t want to feel like this for days.

Uggg.

Secrets secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone.

Reactions reactions are no fun unless they’re shared by everyone.

Yep.

The hair that is coming in on my scalp now is slightly blondish… O.O

It’s ninety fucking degrees out.

I found a collection of songs that I wrote many many months ago and wow… They’re awful! Haha. I’m gonna post them.

Well, it’s 5:55 in the morning, I’m sitting in the dining room, I hear everyone in the living room sleeping, and I just don’t want to sleep.

Secrets, secrets, are no fun, unless you share with everyone.

Reactions, reactions, are no fun, unless they’re shared by everyone.

I made this saying up! :D

Oh yea, I had a great weekend, and it’s still going on. I’ll be baking a pie today. Score!!

I’ll also write about Gladiators later. That is what you call a good time.

And I’m out at 5:58.

I wonder if blogging about having a good day will break the chain. Two good days in a row, I like this.

It was a good party. :D

It was a good day at Miss O’Leary’s house.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a good day in Oxford.

Sunday will be a good day.

No more bad days? Please, luck, don’t fail on me now.

I also realized today that, after relying and loving your phone so much, it sort of becomes your best friend. And when you leave your best friend at home on your bed and have no time to go back and get it, you will feel lost throughout the day.

I never felt so disconnected and vulnerable to attack. What if I needed to make an emergency call? What if I recieved a text message that guarenteed me one million dollars if I responded in the next 5 minutes? What if.

Yea, never leave your phone at home.

I never ever want another student teacher in my life. Ever.

This man cannot teach.

I’ve learned a few things in the past few days.

The biggest lesson I learned that the more you talk, the easier it gets. The end. Don’t worry about it.

Secondly, not everyone’s out to get you, as much as you might think. Let up a little and don’t be uptight. This is kind of tied into the first lesson. So.

Third, my mind is totally shut down for school. I don’t care anymore about grades, the teachers, and the building. I just go to see my friends, and I know this summer is gonna be amazing.

And finally, math can go fuck itself.

Thanks for listening. :D